Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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