she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
