went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
