Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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