she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
