no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
