I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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