i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
