just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
