hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
