spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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