But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
