just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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