I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
