this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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