My liver just broke up with me...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
