Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Two words: nipple clamps
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