well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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