i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
