we have pet lesbian snakes
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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