I accidentally burped into my bong.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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