Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
