I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
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