Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
