Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
