When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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