I hope mine doesn't look like that
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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