OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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