also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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