Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
