I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
