So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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