Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
