Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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