The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
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The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
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Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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