I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
