I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
