man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
