True but thats because hes a fetus.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
