My nipple is on Facebook.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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