Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
