I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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