I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
