so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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