She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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