I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
