Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
