if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
