Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
