you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
