why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
