Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
