Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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