3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
