Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
