1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
