I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
